Sitting with Andy Steele, I wasn’t just listening to his story - I could feel it.
As he spoke about his first childhood memory - being beaten by his father and not understanding why, something in me recognised that fear. Not just the physical pain, but the waiting. The hypervigilance. The walking on eggshells. The sense that something was coming… and that the anticipation was sometimes worse than the abuse itself.
Many survivors understand this without needing it explained.
The nervous system never truly rests. You scan the room. You listen for tone changes. Footsteps. Doors closing. Breathing patterns. You learn to read danger before it arrives. And as children, we make it mean something about us.
We decide:
I must not be good enough.
I must have done something wrong.
If I were better, this wouldn’t happen.
That guilt and shame can follow us for decades.
The Need to Prove Ourselves
When Andy ran away at 14 and later joined the Paratroopers Regiment, it wasn’t simply about career or adventure. It was about worth. It was about becoming someone who could not be dismissed. Someone strong. Someone respected.
So many survivors channel their pain into performance.
We become high achievers. Helpers. Protectors. Leaders. The dependable one. The strong one. The one who never needs anything.
Underneath it all is often a quiet longing:
Please see me.
Please tell me I’m enough.
Please say you’re proud of me.
But when the acknowledgement we crave never comes, the striving doesn’t stop. It simply shifts location.
Andy moved from the military into the fire service - roles defined by courage and rescue. And while those roles were honourable and deeply meaningful, there can also be something unconscious at play for trauma survivors: a need to save others because we could not save ourselves.
When you grow up feeling helpless, rescuing becomes identity.
If I can protect them…
If I can fix this…
If I can stop someone else from suffering…
Maybe then I’ll finally feel worthy.
When the Rescuer Needs Rescuing
PTSD forced Andy to stop.
And this is often how healing begins - not as a gentle awakening, but as a breaking point. The body keeps the score. The nervous system eventually says, “Enough.”
What moved me most was not just Andy’s professional retraining in EFT, hypnotherapy, and Kinetic Shift. It was the moment he spoke about feeling safe within himself.
Safety.
For those who grew up in unpredictable homes, safety is not automatic. It has to be learned. Rebuilt. Practised. Sometimes for the very first time in adulthood.
Healing, for many survivors, is less about becoming someone new and more about finally becoming someone who can sit with themselves without fear.
Andy described what it felt like to show up for himself and later, for his own son - in a way that broke the cycle.
And that is no small thing.
Breaking generational trauma doesn’t make headlines. It doesn’t come with medals. But it may be one of the bravest acts a human being can undertake.
The Guilt and Shame We Carry
Family-based trauma carries a particular weight.
There is often loyalty. Confusion. Love tangled with harm. We question our memories. We minimise our pain. We carry guilt for speaking up. Shame for not leaving sooner. Shame for leaving at all.
And underneath it, a child still waiting to be told:
You didn’t deserve that.
It wasn’t your fault.
You are worthy exactly as you are.
In my work and in my own healing journey, I’ve seen how powerful it is when survivors begin offering that acknowledgment to themselves.
The rescuer turns inward.
The voice softens.
The nervous system learns that the danger is no longer here.
From Survival to Evolution
Andy now speaks and teaches from lived experience. Not from theory. Not from superiority. But from having walked through fire - both literal and emotional.
There is something profoundly hopeful about witnessing someone who once lived in fear now embodying calm. Someone who once sought approval now rooted in self-acceptance.
It reminds us that trauma may shape us, but it does not have to define our future.
For those reading this who recognise themselves in these words - the striving, the rescuing, the proving - perhaps the bravest question is this:
What would it feel like to stop trying to earn your worth…
and begin believing it was never in question?
Healing is not about erasing the past.
It is about finally becoming the safe place you always needed.
Listen to my conversation with Andy here
Sharon Fitzmaurice is a trauma-informed holistic wellbeing coach, Reiki Master Teacher, Clinical Hypnotherapist, Mindfulness & Meditation Teacher. She has published three books, the first being her own story of healing after childhood abuse and speaks openly about it and how She found peace in her mind and in her life. To connect with her or find out more about her work please go to: https://www.sharonfitzmauricemindfulness.com
